You (and your partner) will have lot of different feelings and emotions after a miscarriage. You are entitled to all these, no matter when you lost your baby.
One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage—that’s not one in four women will have a miscarriage, but that in all pregnancies, 25 percent of them will end in grief.
Any woman who has experienced a miscarriage—especially when the pregnancy was wanted—knows that losing a baby at any stage of pregnancy can be very difficult to come back from. There are likely to be a range of thoughts and feelings that you will experience.
Your partner may share many of your emotions, or none of them. We’ve spoken to thousands of women about how they felt after a miscarriage. Some of the women who have shared their stories with us have talked about emotions such as grief, guilt, emptiness, fear and loneliness. You may find it reassuring to read about other women’s experiences.
Loneliness
Some women find themselves feeling alone in their grief because nobody knew they were pregnant in the first place. It can also be very difficult if other people’s reactions to your loss are unhelpful or upsetting.
Grief
You may not have been able to meet or hold your baby but that doesn’t mean your grief is any less real.
Some women and couples don’t feel comfortable with this grief. They may feel it’s unjustified because they never met their baby. It doesn’t matter how far along you were, nothing should stop you from grieving for the baby you made. No matter how many people say, ‘it wasn’t really a baby yet’, you may feel in your heart that it was a baby the moment you conceived and no-one can take that away.
Shock
Miscarriage can come as a huge shock to some couples and it is natural to need time to make sense of what has happened.
Whatever your experience of miscarriage, it’s completely understandable to be in shock. This is not how anyone expects or hopes their pregnancy to end.
Anger and Guilt
You may feel like you’ve failed as a mother. The idea that a baby in your care, inside you, could stop growing can be very difficult to face. You might feel terrible guilt & anger . You might question all the things you’ve done over the last few weeks and wonder whether there was something you did that caused your baby’s brief life to end.
How do I cope with these emotions?
There is no easy way to grieve after something like this happens, but there are some practical things you can do that may help.
Allow yourself to feel sad
Try not to push yourself, feel guilty about feeling sad or try to force yourself to feel happy, even if a lot of time has passed since your miscarriage. Feeling sad is a healthy part of the grieving process.
Some women and partners develop mental health problems because of their grief. Depression and anxiety are common, but some women may develop other issues, such as (PTSD) or perinatal obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
If you’re worried that you or your partner are struggling to cope with your mental health after losing a baby, please talk to your Psychatrist. They will be able to help you get the treatment you need.
Avoid ‘numbing’ the pain
Avoid things that ‘numb’ the pain, such as alcohol. It’ll make you feel worse once the numbness wears off.
Sometimes it can help to talk to a professional counsellor, either as a couple or on your own.
You and your partner have been through a traumatic experience and you may both find it helpful to find ways to express how you feel.
Sleep
Emotional stress can make you very tired, but you may also find it difficult to sleep. See your GP if you’re struggling.
Understanding Your Healing Rights:
“It’s okay to not be okay.”
It’s ok to let it hurt. It’s ok to allow yourself to feel sad and grieve. It’s ok to talk about it. It isn’t a shameful secret. Sometimes you need to talk about it. Acknowledge that it happened. And you know what? It’s going to be okay. I promise. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow. But someday. Time heals. I still get sad when I think about what we lost. I’ll always feel sad about that, but I’m ok.
Take time to grieve and heal. There is no set time allotment for healing nor is it something that can be rushed.Be sad and joyful. It is okay to feel sad at times but the key is to not let it control you. Others have survived their grief, and in time you will too. Do enjoyable things because laughter and joy are healers. Remember that celebrating bits of joy doesn’t dishonor your loss.